So, there are lots of “good” advertisements, right? And there’s also a lot of….well…Kylie Jenner loves cops and Pepsi. Slavery gym. This thing:
Bad ads are nothing new. In an age where everything any company puts out into the world is scrutinized and monetized for clicks, you’re more likely to see “safe” or “mediocre” ads that trade on celebrity endorsements or simple graphics.
And then there is this — the latest “ad” from Apple for its new iPad, a pensive reflection on the horrors of our current dystopia.
Like…what the fuck.
Let’s start by breaking down the simple facts of the ad: a hydraulic crusher destroys objects that help create art. Trumpets, figurines, paint — all go squish and squash. When the crusher comes back up, in the place of all those objects is but one iPad. The thinnest one yet. Okay, Ozempic!
But this makes zero sense to me. For anything to exist on that iPad — music creation apps, drawing tools, scriptwriting software, editing programs — you…you need to have the OTHER OBJECTS IT CRUSHED. Apple wants you to believe all you need is an iPad Pro to access creative tools and communication devices. But that tiny ass tablet can’t do a damn thing unless stealing from a human, no? Like, even if it can play you a trumpet noise, a musician must first play that note on a trumpet to record that sound so the iPad knows what a trumpet is, right? RIGHT?!
In other words: you can train AI to know the definition of water, but you can’t make it drink without destroying its circuitry.
Am I losing my mind? Mmm. Possible. It happens more often than you think! But it would seem I was not the only one to recoil in horror. Get her, Jade!
Tim Cook? More like Tim ROASTED. (Gosh, what an original joke I have just come up with. Why, yes, I am extremely hireable for comedy purposes!)
What’s even crazier is that Apple is historically known for groundbreaking ads that marry the concept of humanity and technology. The anti-authoritarianism 1984 ad (directed by SIR Ridley Scott!) that aired 40 years ago is such a far cry from anything tech is doing now. Long, loud sigh.
Big Tech aka Big Wrecking Up Stuff seems to hate everything, right? They lay off hundreds of thousands of people. They spend way too much money buying each other up. They do stupid tax write-offs.
But something about this feels like a breaking point. It’s one thing to believe you, as an artist / creative type / human with a soul are looking to be replaced. It’s another thing to be told, “Yeah, we will replace you. By literally crushing you to death. Fuck you, fuck your work, fuck your stuff. We are coming to kill you.”
Mask off, huh, Apple? Well, sorry, jerkwads. Guess who creates the masks. You can rip the instruments and paints and everything else from my cold, dead hands.